I started this blog on November 8 2007, almost one year ago and I don't really have anything to show for it. that's disappointing, but it's a reality check.
i took a nearly 2 month hiatus, mostly due to moving, but i'm back now and am re-motivated. i went to google pedometer and mapped out my neighborhood and all the different routes I could take and how long each one was. i printed them out and want to laminate them or something and draw out of a hat which one to do in the morning. speaking of, i've been waking up early, like way before my alarm and struggling to go back to sleep.
this morning at 6:40 on the dot, a full hour before i needed to get up. i was thirsty, so i got up, drank some water, and put my gym clothes on and went to the gym. i decided that instead of just doing a machine for a set period of time, i didn't HAVE much time so i would do one mile.
one mile doesn't sound like a lot. it's really not that far. but i told myself it was an incentive to work towards that goal. and as i chugged along on the elliptical machine, i thought about when i was in grade school and high school when the PE teachers used to make us run the mile, and how much i hated it. it was always a race, even though nobody ever admitted it. it sucked being the last person on the track, watching people lap me, and watch everyone else walk back to the gym while i was still out there being tortured, watched by the pe teacher with the stop watch. anything over 12 minutes was considered really bad. i think once it took me as long as 18 minutes. for one mile. that's pathetic.
so this morning at the gym, when i was thinking about all of this and noticed it was taking me four minutes to do 1/4 of a mile (one lap on the track, back in high school), the same amount of time my best friend from high school would race to do one mile (he was an athlete), i decided to just do the one mile, and make it my goal to improve my time. hence the title of this post.
15 minutes and 34 seconds. that's slow. but it's better than 18. just like 267.5, how much i weighed this morning (my scale is off though, but it's the consistent one i use) is too much, but it's better than the 290 i started off as.
baby steps. last night instead of crap food, i had veggie lasagna and a salad. i wont mention the wine and the slice of pizza. but it's an improvement. and this morning i had oatmeal and applesauce and water.
my boyfriend asked me this weekend, (yes! i have a boyfriend now, by the way. he's a good motivator to go to the gym, plus we both have a membership and go together) "hey you want to do a 5k with me?" and i had to tell him no, because i would be the LAST person out there and that would be humiliating (i didn't tell him that). and then i said, "maybe if it was in a few months" because it's in three weeks. after thinking about it, i really started to believe that if i had a few months, then maybe i COULD do a 5k. and then i thought about this blog, how i've failed at it, and how many peoples blogs i used to read whose goals were to do a 5k and i thought, maybe i can do it. and at the bottom of the pile of distance-sorted pedometer maps is 3.15 miles, .05 miles longer than the 5k.
so i'm back, and im going to keep track of things on here better. i want to see all the numbers go down.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Friday, May 30, 2008
i havent owned a scale in YEARS. not since i was a freshman in college. so i went out to target today and bought one.
i've lost 10 pounds since i started this blog. basically by doing nothing. i started out way back when and was 10 pounds heavier. i am constantly weighing myself because i love watching that number go down. i know a lot of people say stay away from the numbers and the scales, but it's such a good motivator. it sits in my room next to my stair stepper and every time i get lazy and think, "maybe i wont go to the gym" or when im about to eat something i could do without, its a nice reminder that the scale doesn't lie.
that being said, i went to the gym tonight and it felt SO GOOD. its nice to have a gym partner... we dont do anything together but the pure practice of actually GOING and because someone else is there, you cant back out. so it's good.
i'm excited to lose weight. be proud! i had half the food i normally have at dinner AND turned down beer at a lost-marathon. me? turn down beer? something must be wrong. :)
i had a bottle of water instead and was just fine.
i've lost 10 pounds since i started this blog. basically by doing nothing. i started out way back when and was 10 pounds heavier. i am constantly weighing myself because i love watching that number go down. i know a lot of people say stay away from the numbers and the scales, but it's such a good motivator. it sits in my room next to my stair stepper and every time i get lazy and think, "maybe i wont go to the gym" or when im about to eat something i could do without, its a nice reminder that the scale doesn't lie.
that being said, i went to the gym tonight and it felt SO GOOD. its nice to have a gym partner... we dont do anything together but the pure practice of actually GOING and because someone else is there, you cant back out. so it's good.
i'm excited to lose weight. be proud! i had half the food i normally have at dinner AND turned down beer at a lost-marathon. me? turn down beer? something must be wrong. :)
i had a bottle of water instead and was just fine.
Friday, May 9, 2008
I should have known my horoscope was giving me a warning yesterday. I've been just fine the past few weeks but my horoscope yesterday for today was that i'd get moody all of a sudden and they weren't kidding. everything is making me angry.
I checked my email about 20 minutes ago and saw I had one from yahoo personals. i had TOTALLY forgotten I had made a personals profile when i was 19 and thought I was ugly, fat etc and wanted a boyfriend. and what I had to say was mortifying. But what was even more mortifying were my pictures. I hardly recognized myself. What have I done to myself? I copied and pasted one of them into photoshop and took a photo I took last weekend and compared the faces and I don't even recognize the person from when I was 19. i am in total shock. I didn't think it was that bad, now I wonder what other people think. Holy crap. I immediately deleted the personals thing. I can't believe I did that in the first place, but wow.
I feel like I'm headed towards a downward spiral. But maybe it's what I need to pick myself off the floor and stop being lame. Yesterday I prayed for the first time in forever and I asked for motivation to change my lifestyle.
Maybe this was it.
I checked my email about 20 minutes ago and saw I had one from yahoo personals. i had TOTALLY forgotten I had made a personals profile when i was 19 and thought I was ugly, fat etc and wanted a boyfriend. and what I had to say was mortifying. But what was even more mortifying were my pictures. I hardly recognized myself. What have I done to myself? I copied and pasted one of them into photoshop and took a photo I took last weekend and compared the faces and I don't even recognize the person from when I was 19. i am in total shock. I didn't think it was that bad, now I wonder what other people think. Holy crap. I immediately deleted the personals thing. I can't believe I did that in the first place, but wow.
I feel like I'm headed towards a downward spiral. But maybe it's what I need to pick myself off the floor and stop being lame. Yesterday I prayed for the first time in forever and I asked for motivation to change my lifestyle.
Maybe this was it.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
i CAN do this!
hi blog!!! it's been forEVER since i wrote, and i hate to say i joined the masses of being lazy and unproductive but it's true, i did, but now it's time to get back on track.
i got a membership to the gym again today, and its for a whole year, not just a few months, and for ALL the gyms. and this week i made a promise to myself to eat better and i've had a slim fast for breakfast the past few days, cliff bars and leftovers for lunch, and chicken/salad for dinner, which is a gigantic improvement over how i've been eating lately.
i dont know if anyone reads this anymore (and I don't blame you) but i watched extreme makeover this past weekend. it was a touching story of how this woman lost 100 pounds but had all this baggy skin. she ended up getting a boob job, tummy tuck, etc blah blah blah and the friend i was watching it with admitted he had work done on his stomach and itw asn't that big of a deal. so i decided that WHEN i lose 100+ pounds, the first thing I'm going to do is get that surgery (where they remove the excess skin) because that's important to me. not the cosmetic surgery, but that when i lose the weight that will be a reward and i'll look fantastic.
woo hoo! unfortunately my schedule is insanely busy as of late, and will continue to be like that for at least another month, but that's no excuse because i CAN do this!!! :) lol i know, im a nerd. whatever. so pumped!
i got a membership to the gym again today, and its for a whole year, not just a few months, and for ALL the gyms. and this week i made a promise to myself to eat better and i've had a slim fast for breakfast the past few days, cliff bars and leftovers for lunch, and chicken/salad for dinner, which is a gigantic improvement over how i've been eating lately.
i dont know if anyone reads this anymore (and I don't blame you) but i watched extreme makeover this past weekend. it was a touching story of how this woman lost 100 pounds but had all this baggy skin. she ended up getting a boob job, tummy tuck, etc blah blah blah and the friend i was watching it with admitted he had work done on his stomach and itw asn't that big of a deal. so i decided that WHEN i lose 100+ pounds, the first thing I'm going to do is get that surgery (where they remove the excess skin) because that's important to me. not the cosmetic surgery, but that when i lose the weight that will be a reward and i'll look fantastic.
woo hoo! unfortunately my schedule is insanely busy as of late, and will continue to be like that for at least another month, but that's no excuse because i CAN do this!!! :) lol i know, im a nerd. whatever. so pumped!
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
honesty
I'm really bad at being honest. Like, not with telling the truth about stuff, or not that I lie all the time, but I filter. I filter what i write and what comes out of my mouth as to not offend anyone or hurt anyone. But that's just silly. I live my life for me, not for other people. I can't cater to everyone anymore. I need to start being more selfish and be honest about things.
During the winter months, I tend to get a bit depressed and miserable. And lately, that's been no exception. I'm sad my friends are being lame, I feel isolated and insecure, and I look gross.
I'm really self-concious about my face and my stomach. I used to have a young energetic face and no double chin. The last year or so I noticed that my face is fat, old, and gross looking. My neck looks like a man neck and my skin has been gross. My eyes have changed too. A lot.
There were several pictures of me taken recently and I noticed my face looked gross. But in the last week, some of the puffiness has gone away. I haven't changed anything, in fact, I'm still eating the same and not exercising because i'm lame and just... havent. :) But last night looking in the mirror, for the first time in a long time i thought I was pretty. Not just the fat-pretty, but the, "dang, i'm hot" pretty. Not so much with the rest of my body, but my face and hair looked nice.
I read some old journals today, from the beginning of college. i am exactly 70 pounds heavier than I was as a college freshman (4 years ago), and really as a high school senior (4 1/2 or 5 years ago). I dropped quite a bit my senior year because i developed an eating disorder (contrary to popular belief, fat people can have an eating disorder too). Since then I've been careful about my eating habits and thoughts, and haven't seriously relapsed.
But reading my journal is kind of sad. Almost all of the entries start out with how much i ate that day, how much i exercised, and if i puked or not (my roommate at the time was bullemic, so it was easy to hide... i didn't do it that often, just every once in awhile). But here are some of the lines in some entries:
"I made it until 3:30 today without eating. I had cottage cheese and pears. Then made it through dinner. Came back, talked to ___, and binged. I ate a lot of candy. I tried to throw up but i couldn't. i think God isn't letting me and now i feel like crap."
"I don't want to be fat anymore. The days seem much longer when you're counting the minutes until it's tomorrow so you can do the same thing all over again. I used to have so much will power."
It's true. I did used to have a lot of will power. And energy. I could get three hours of sleep, go to all my classes, do all my homework, go to the gym for an hour, hang out with friends, write a paper, go to 3 club meetings, have time to listen to my roommates complain, and be very strict with my diet.
I'm starting to realize there are a lot of fundamental things wrong in the way I think.
It's good, going back through old journals. But I don't want my entire life to be a battle with my weight. I just want it to be a difficult time in my life that i overcame and look back and laugh about later.
During the winter months, I tend to get a bit depressed and miserable. And lately, that's been no exception. I'm sad my friends are being lame, I feel isolated and insecure, and I look gross.
I'm really self-concious about my face and my stomach. I used to have a young energetic face and no double chin. The last year or so I noticed that my face is fat, old, and gross looking. My neck looks like a man neck and my skin has been gross. My eyes have changed too. A lot.
There were several pictures of me taken recently and I noticed my face looked gross. But in the last week, some of the puffiness has gone away. I haven't changed anything, in fact, I'm still eating the same and not exercising because i'm lame and just... havent. :) But last night looking in the mirror, for the first time in a long time i thought I was pretty. Not just the fat-pretty, but the, "dang, i'm hot" pretty. Not so much with the rest of my body, but my face and hair looked nice.
I read some old journals today, from the beginning of college. i am exactly 70 pounds heavier than I was as a college freshman (4 years ago), and really as a high school senior (4 1/2 or 5 years ago). I dropped quite a bit my senior year because i developed an eating disorder (contrary to popular belief, fat people can have an eating disorder too). Since then I've been careful about my eating habits and thoughts, and haven't seriously relapsed.
But reading my journal is kind of sad. Almost all of the entries start out with how much i ate that day, how much i exercised, and if i puked or not (my roommate at the time was bullemic, so it was easy to hide... i didn't do it that often, just every once in awhile). But here are some of the lines in some entries:
"I made it until 3:30 today without eating. I had cottage cheese and pears. Then made it through dinner. Came back, talked to ___, and binged. I ate a lot of candy. I tried to throw up but i couldn't. i think God isn't letting me and now i feel like crap."
"I don't want to be fat anymore. The days seem much longer when you're counting the minutes until it's tomorrow so you can do the same thing all over again. I used to have so much will power."
It's true. I did used to have a lot of will power. And energy. I could get three hours of sleep, go to all my classes, do all my homework, go to the gym for an hour, hang out with friends, write a paper, go to 3 club meetings, have time to listen to my roommates complain, and be very strict with my diet.
I'm starting to realize there are a lot of fundamental things wrong in the way I think.
It's good, going back through old journals. But I don't want my entire life to be a battle with my weight. I just want it to be a difficult time in my life that i overcame and look back and laugh about later.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
I suck, i know. what can i say? it's the low season.
not for weight, that is. but i have to crash diet for the next month, i am going on a vacation and am terrified of not fitting in the airplane seat.
my birthday was recently and we ended up with like, 5 cakes, all of which i helped eat eventually. yuck. but im got paid yesterday and am going to the store this weekend to get back on track and eat the right things.
and get out and exercise more! i need to do that. im super bad at it too.
not for weight, that is. but i have to crash diet for the next month, i am going on a vacation and am terrified of not fitting in the airplane seat.
my birthday was recently and we ended up with like, 5 cakes, all of which i helped eat eventually. yuck. but im got paid yesterday and am going to the store this weekend to get back on track and eat the right things.
and get out and exercise more! i need to do that. im super bad at it too.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
i'm a new soul in this old world
Boo. I haven't been very good about keeping this blog up.
I think I'm going to give up on WW. I don't think it's for me. I end up just feeling bad. But I have picked up a few good tips.
I feel like there's never a "good time" to go on a diet, start to lose weight blah blah blah. After the christmas season comes birthday and valentines day season, then easter season, then summer season (which is always good... lots of fresh juices and out in the sun a lot!), then getting ready for school (or fall), and then christmas comes around again. there's just so much to do and so many opportunities to not do well.
Anyway. I need a haircut.
I think I'm going to give up on WW. I don't think it's for me. I end up just feeling bad. But I have picked up a few good tips.
I feel like there's never a "good time" to go on a diet, start to lose weight blah blah blah. After the christmas season comes birthday and valentines day season, then easter season, then summer season (which is always good... lots of fresh juices and out in the sun a lot!), then getting ready for school (or fall), and then christmas comes around again. there's just so much to do and so many opportunities to not do well.
Anyway. I need a haircut.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
these wheels keep on turnin'
Last tuesday I went to my first WW meeting, and was mildly motivated to stick to it. I'm proud to say that I worked really hard and I ate pretty well all week. Most days I got down to eating most of the points, but my problem is I always have some left over. I have a very strict (normal) eating pattern up until I leave work and get home by 6pm, and don't let myself stray. It's when I get home and have to figure out dinner that I falter. Between roommates eating various different foods, roommates drinking wine and me wanting some, and just being lazy and hating to cook, I end up eating something simple like a burrido or canned soup. Which isn't bad, but it's all processed/pasteurized etc. I dont like cooking meat, because I don't know how and I hate touching raw meat.
But for the most part, I ate really well. My biggest issues is when I drink, I binge eat. Like, crazy binge eat. So im still trying to drink less, which I have been doing better on as well.
So when I went to my second WW meeting last night, I felt pretty good. I didn't really know what to do when I got there, so I just walked to the back with my card thing and explained that I didn't know where to go. She said it was okay and so I gave her my weigh in card and hopped on the scale. I made a point to wear similar clothing as last time, as to not add the weight of jeans etc, and the leader said, "well, you went up a little this week."
I nearly burst into tears. It was a +.4 or +.5 of a pound, and the way she said it made me feel like she was looking at me like a failure. I can't believe I GAINED in the last week. I ate so much better... when we ate out, I planned ahead, I made sure I didn't go over in points, I ate tons more fruits, and I tried drinking more water. I didn't eat one bite of fast food. I was so dissapointed, and when she asked if I was staying for the meeting I said yes, though the second I walked out I almost sprinted for the door. I was mortified and felt disgusting. Especially since the people in this meeting were SO different than the last meeting. I went to the one I'll regularly be going to (the later one, i went to the earlier one last week because I got off of work early) and everyone in the group was SKINNY. Like, why were they there? There were like, 5 fat people vs, well, everyone in the last weeks' class. I found the meeting kind of useless, other than I felt gross and hated when the leader called me out and gave me my 2 week bookmark.
So when I left, I felt like crap. And I screamed at myself. And said fuck it, this isn't going to work. But then I thought about what I did wrong. I binge when I drink. I still drink too much. I don't exercise. I don't drink enough water. I need more veggies. So when I started thinking about dinner (I was so hungry) I decided I didn't want to cook, and I'd pick up sushi on the way home. But when I got closer, I thought, "hey, I could go home, order it, and walk there, by the time it would be done, I'd be there if I left right now." so I went home, put on my new running shoes, called in the order, and started walking. It was SO cold, but the shoes made a difference. My old ones were, well, old. I brought my ipod with me, but decided to call a friend instead, and it made the time go by so fast. All of a sudden I was at the sushi place, then I was on my way home. 3,299 steps/1.3 miles/35 minutes later, I was back home with my sushi, I had caught up with two friends and had gotten some easy exercise in. (mind you, some of that 35 minutes was paying at the sushi place and waiting) So i felt better. I got two orders, and only had one. :)
This week, I'm going to drink more water, drink less alcohol, eat less at night when I'm home, make an effort to do more exercise at night. Oh, and DO something this weekend. I end up laying in bed all weekend, either because im lazy or hung over. or both. I actually have to do something on saturday, so it's an incentive to not drink on friday and get up early on saturday. :)
Before I forget, this is my daily food intake:
Breakfast: 7:45am
Either one bowl of instant oatmeal (honey nut.... 170 cals/3.5 fat/3 fiber) or a bowl of honey nut cheerios with 1% milk)
Lunch: 12:30pm
1 trader joes string cheese (60 cals/1.5 fat)
4 peices of butterball honey turkey (70 cals per 4 peices, 1 gram fat, 0 fiber)
1 apple
Baked chips (doritos lately)
sometimes chocolate soy milk
sometimes a tangerine
Snack: 5:30pm
carrots
Dinner: 6:30 or 7pm
Burrido (small flour tortilla, 1/2 cup refried beans, 1/4 or 1/2 cup shredded cheese... about 6 points total)
OR Chunky vegetable soup (so good... like 170 cals/1g fat)
OR veggie stir fry with or without tofu
So I really dont see how I could gain weight eating that. It's so frustrating.
And that's my normal diet. I dont really get hungry on it, and i feel like it's pretty healthy. But I do need more fruits/veggies/water.
Sigh. Round two, i suppose
But for the most part, I ate really well. My biggest issues is when I drink, I binge eat. Like, crazy binge eat. So im still trying to drink less, which I have been doing better on as well.
So when I went to my second WW meeting last night, I felt pretty good. I didn't really know what to do when I got there, so I just walked to the back with my card thing and explained that I didn't know where to go. She said it was okay and so I gave her my weigh in card and hopped on the scale. I made a point to wear similar clothing as last time, as to not add the weight of jeans etc, and the leader said, "well, you went up a little this week."
I nearly burst into tears. It was a +.4 or +.5 of a pound, and the way she said it made me feel like she was looking at me like a failure. I can't believe I GAINED in the last week. I ate so much better... when we ate out, I planned ahead, I made sure I didn't go over in points, I ate tons more fruits, and I tried drinking more water. I didn't eat one bite of fast food. I was so dissapointed, and when she asked if I was staying for the meeting I said yes, though the second I walked out I almost sprinted for the door. I was mortified and felt disgusting. Especially since the people in this meeting were SO different than the last meeting. I went to the one I'll regularly be going to (the later one, i went to the earlier one last week because I got off of work early) and everyone in the group was SKINNY. Like, why were they there? There were like, 5 fat people vs, well, everyone in the last weeks' class. I found the meeting kind of useless, other than I felt gross and hated when the leader called me out and gave me my 2 week bookmark.
So when I left, I felt like crap. And I screamed at myself. And said fuck it, this isn't going to work. But then I thought about what I did wrong. I binge when I drink. I still drink too much. I don't exercise. I don't drink enough water. I need more veggies. So when I started thinking about dinner (I was so hungry) I decided I didn't want to cook, and I'd pick up sushi on the way home. But when I got closer, I thought, "hey, I could go home, order it, and walk there, by the time it would be done, I'd be there if I left right now." so I went home, put on my new running shoes, called in the order, and started walking. It was SO cold, but the shoes made a difference. My old ones were, well, old. I brought my ipod with me, but decided to call a friend instead, and it made the time go by so fast. All of a sudden I was at the sushi place, then I was on my way home. 3,299 steps/1.3 miles/35 minutes later, I was back home with my sushi, I had caught up with two friends and had gotten some easy exercise in. (mind you, some of that 35 minutes was paying at the sushi place and waiting) So i felt better. I got two orders, and only had one. :)
This week, I'm going to drink more water, drink less alcohol, eat less at night when I'm home, make an effort to do more exercise at night. Oh, and DO something this weekend. I end up laying in bed all weekend, either because im lazy or hung over. or both. I actually have to do something on saturday, so it's an incentive to not drink on friday and get up early on saturday. :)
Before I forget, this is my daily food intake:
Breakfast: 7:45am
Either one bowl of instant oatmeal (honey nut.... 170 cals/3.5 fat/3 fiber) or a bowl of honey nut cheerios with 1% milk)
Lunch: 12:30pm
1 trader joes string cheese (60 cals/1.5 fat)
4 peices of butterball honey turkey (70 cals per 4 peices, 1 gram fat, 0 fiber)
1 apple
Baked chips (doritos lately)
sometimes chocolate soy milk
sometimes a tangerine
Snack: 5:30pm
carrots
Dinner: 6:30 or 7pm
Burrido (small flour tortilla, 1/2 cup refried beans, 1/4 or 1/2 cup shredded cheese... about 6 points total)
OR Chunky vegetable soup (so good... like 170 cals/1g fat)
OR veggie stir fry with or without tofu
So I really dont see how I could gain weight eating that. It's so frustrating.
And that's my normal diet. I dont really get hungry on it, and i feel like it's pretty healthy. But I do need more fruits/veggies/water.
Sigh. Round two, i suppose
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
i need to feel good
I bit the bullet and actually went to weight watchers tonight. I had kind of vaguely planned on going sometime soon, and i've been paying for it for the last 3 months, but i couldn't find the time or motivation to go. But i got off of work early today and went. I rushed to get there and once i finally found a spot, i had to sit in my car and gather up the courage to go inside and actually go through with it. I joined WW when i was a high school sophomore, and i weighed about 212 pounds. Too bad that wasn't the case this time. But i was sitting in my car and this lady was walking towards me and she looked awful. She had gross hair and she was wearing bad clothes and she was fat. Mentally, I don't think I admit that I look THAT BAD.
So when I walked inside and realized that I was the youngest person in the room, and it was filled with old ladies who had bad hair and unfortunate clothing styles, I felt really dumb. I filled out the paperwork blurring my eyes so i could pretend that I wasn't at the fat meeting, and went back to get weighed.
This lady had been filling out the forms in front of me and I picked up on the fact that it was her first time as well. She was HUGE. like, giant flabby arms, really short, and really fat. i vowed never to look like her, ever. If i look like that when i'm 50, i would rather die.
so i follow her over to the back room where you get weighed, and she goes into the bathroom and takes off like, 5 layers of clothing before she steps on the scale. i let her go first, i wasn't in a big hurry to find out that i was heavy. i already knew that :)
I didn't see how much she weighed, but i heard that her number or 10 percent or whatever was 29. i had no idea what that meant so i didn't really think about it. She came out of the weighing room and i walked in, the lady was really nice but i still felt dumb. by default when im uncomfortable like this, i get very quiet and sometimes it comes off as rude, though i dont mean it to. She weighed me and either i lost 5 pounds since thursday (doubtful) or the scale was higher at my doctors office. Either way, i weighed 289.8. She said my 10 percent was 28. my jaw pretty much dropped to the floor. i weighed just about the same as the lady in front of me. i was SHOCKED. I dont know if it's that I carry it well, or what, but i dont feel like that lady looked like me. i mean, i was about 20 years younger and dressed better, but it was a slap in the face.
So i sat down in the furthest corner away from everyone, super uncomfortable and still in shock. the meeting started and i felt like i was at an AA meeting (not that i've been to one, but that's what i think of) or some sort of churchy thing. SO UNCOMFORTABLE. I pretty much just wanted to walk out the door, get in my car, and go home. But i stayed, and of course the meeting was about how the group is a big support system, and going to the meetings are important, blah blah blah. one of the perks listed on all the brochures is that "you don't have to talk." so i was not happy when the leader kept asking what i thought, or if i was following, and then had us all talk to each other. the lady next to me was not a good conversationalist, so i had to ask a bunch of questions i felt uncomfortable asking.
I hate talking about weight, food, and stuff like that. it's like the 289.8 pound elephant in the room, i don't address things like that. So being in a room where that's all we talked about, and having fat people talking about what food they liked make me want to yell, "well maybe if you ate less of that giant turkey and more of the non fat stuff, you wouldn't be that fat" and then, of course, i realize that i'm no different than any of the people in there, except for the fact that i have not accepted that i am like them.
So the meeting was totally not what i expected, and i realized there are more psychological issues that i need to address then some of the things i thought i would be learning. i'm sure everyone in that meeting was nice, and has something they could teach me. but i'm in the denial stage, and am still wierded out by the whole experience.
though i did come home and use my stair stepper for awhile while i looked through the thousands of pages of information they sent home with me. i had plans to go out drinking with a friend, but we opted to do dinner instead and when she called me she said, "well i know you're trying to eat healthier, so what about japanese or something?" so we ended up going to sushi and i had avocado rolls and miso soup. I came home and laid out all the info, and raided my kitchen with my points tracker and figured out the points for most of the things i eat everyday. i added up everything i ate today, which for the most part is what i eat everyday anyway, and i came up with 16 extra points. this is why i was worried that WW isn't for me, i generally eat pretty healthy. but i have an auto immune thyroid disorder and i dont exercise. so food is low on the list of things i really need to change. but it will help in lots of other ways, so that's good.
anyway. today was a weird, mixed-emotion day, but i think the best thing about WW is that it will keep me accountable each week. i like challenges, and i am looking forward to next weeks weigh-in because i will see what i have accomplished. I think keeping track of EVERYTHING, even just for a little while, will be very beneficial.
here's to hoping. :)
So when I walked inside and realized that I was the youngest person in the room, and it was filled with old ladies who had bad hair and unfortunate clothing styles, I felt really dumb. I filled out the paperwork blurring my eyes so i could pretend that I wasn't at the fat meeting, and went back to get weighed.
This lady had been filling out the forms in front of me and I picked up on the fact that it was her first time as well. She was HUGE. like, giant flabby arms, really short, and really fat. i vowed never to look like her, ever. If i look like that when i'm 50, i would rather die.
so i follow her over to the back room where you get weighed, and she goes into the bathroom and takes off like, 5 layers of clothing before she steps on the scale. i let her go first, i wasn't in a big hurry to find out that i was heavy. i already knew that :)
I didn't see how much she weighed, but i heard that her number or 10 percent or whatever was 29. i had no idea what that meant so i didn't really think about it. She came out of the weighing room and i walked in, the lady was really nice but i still felt dumb. by default when im uncomfortable like this, i get very quiet and sometimes it comes off as rude, though i dont mean it to. She weighed me and either i lost 5 pounds since thursday (doubtful) or the scale was higher at my doctors office. Either way, i weighed 289.8. She said my 10 percent was 28. my jaw pretty much dropped to the floor. i weighed just about the same as the lady in front of me. i was SHOCKED. I dont know if it's that I carry it well, or what, but i dont feel like that lady looked like me. i mean, i was about 20 years younger and dressed better, but it was a slap in the face.
So i sat down in the furthest corner away from everyone, super uncomfortable and still in shock. the meeting started and i felt like i was at an AA meeting (not that i've been to one, but that's what i think of) or some sort of churchy thing. SO UNCOMFORTABLE. I pretty much just wanted to walk out the door, get in my car, and go home. But i stayed, and of course the meeting was about how the group is a big support system, and going to the meetings are important, blah blah blah. one of the perks listed on all the brochures is that "you don't have to talk." so i was not happy when the leader kept asking what i thought, or if i was following, and then had us all talk to each other. the lady next to me was not a good conversationalist, so i had to ask a bunch of questions i felt uncomfortable asking.
I hate talking about weight, food, and stuff like that. it's like the 289.8 pound elephant in the room, i don't address things like that. So being in a room where that's all we talked about, and having fat people talking about what food they liked make me want to yell, "well maybe if you ate less of that giant turkey and more of the non fat stuff, you wouldn't be that fat" and then, of course, i realize that i'm no different than any of the people in there, except for the fact that i have not accepted that i am like them.
So the meeting was totally not what i expected, and i realized there are more psychological issues that i need to address then some of the things i thought i would be learning. i'm sure everyone in that meeting was nice, and has something they could teach me. but i'm in the denial stage, and am still wierded out by the whole experience.
though i did come home and use my stair stepper for awhile while i looked through the thousands of pages of information they sent home with me. i had plans to go out drinking with a friend, but we opted to do dinner instead and when she called me she said, "well i know you're trying to eat healthier, so what about japanese or something?" so we ended up going to sushi and i had avocado rolls and miso soup. I came home and laid out all the info, and raided my kitchen with my points tracker and figured out the points for most of the things i eat everyday. i added up everything i ate today, which for the most part is what i eat everyday anyway, and i came up with 16 extra points. this is why i was worried that WW isn't for me, i generally eat pretty healthy. but i have an auto immune thyroid disorder and i dont exercise. so food is low on the list of things i really need to change. but it will help in lots of other ways, so that's good.
anyway. today was a weird, mixed-emotion day, but i think the best thing about WW is that it will keep me accountable each week. i like challenges, and i am looking forward to next weeks weigh-in because i will see what i have accomplished. I think keeping track of EVERYTHING, even just for a little while, will be very beneficial.
here's to hoping. :)
Monday, January 7, 2008
It's been awhile
yech, I kind of suck at updating this blog. Mostly because I suck at losing weight. I haven't lost any, I gained almost 10 pounds over christmas. I went to the doctor and was shocked to see that I'm 4 pounds away from 300. That's INSANE, especailly when a year and a half ago I was about 210. Sick.
But i DID get a mini stair-stepper and a pedometer for Christmas. And I think I might go and get myself a yoga mat after work today.
I feel like 2007 was a big gross weight that was holding me down, and I've been given a chance to start over with a clean slate and take my time and do it right this time around.
:)
But i DID get a mini stair-stepper and a pedometer for Christmas. And I think I might go and get myself a yoga mat after work today.
I feel like 2007 was a big gross weight that was holding me down, and I've been given a chance to start over with a clean slate and take my time and do it right this time around.
:)
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