Post-Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving week was so-so, diet and exercise wise... I went home to my parents house and my friends have totally different schedules and eating habits than I do. It wasn't horrible, but it wasn't great. Luckily my parents are pretty healthy and suprisingly, Thanksgiving dinner is not much bigger than a regular meal (healthy and small) and I'm not a fan of pie.

Even so, I got off track with exercising and I STILL haven't been to a WW meeting. They just don't work with my schedule.

But I did find this article today while I was checking my email. It had some good ideas.

"Success is only a word, but achieving it is a lifestyle."
Make the decision - that’s what you have to do first. Decide that you want to maintain, begin, or improve your training this winter, then take steps to support (and reinforce) your decision.
Then, don’t give up no matter what. Act and think, in all areas of your life, like the athlete you want to be (and look like). Making your health and fitness a priority will be the best gift you give this winter to you and everyone else in your life.

So what do you do if it’s too cold to go outside and you haven’t got time to hit the gym?

Here’s what I do:
1. Lunges across the living room: find enough space to walk/lunge 8-10 paces and do slow, deep walking lunges in your home. Take a long stride and bend deeply as you walk slowly step-by-step working your quads, hamstrings and glutes. Four sets of 8-10 strides on each leg will have you feeling as though you’ve just done leg extensions and squats at the gym.

2. Push up on the stairs, on a bench or on the floor. If you are using a bench be sure that it is securely pushed up against a wall. On the floor, you may want to do your pushups on your knees instead of your toes. Do four sets of 5-10 reps (and you can even do a little housework in between sets); believe me you will feel your upper body muscles the next day as though you were lifting weights at the gym.

3. Jump rope in the kitchen. Do five sets of 1-2 minutes of jumping rope. You’ll be conditioning your heart, burning excess calories, and revving up your system for a good day.

4. Jumping jacks in the bedroom. Nothing like a few sets of jacks to get your heart rate up and a little sweat going. Do 8-10 sets of 25 jacks and you’ll not only feel your whole body working, but the after effects of feeling your upper and lower body throughout the day will be satisfying and a reminder that you are an athlete in training.

5. Abs anywhere. First of all, keep your abs engaged on all of the above exercises. Then, on a soft surface lie on your back and do three sets of 15 crunches and three sets of 15 leg lifts supporting your lower back by keeping your hands on the floor, palms down, just under your lower back.6. Begin your day with five minutes of quiet introspection. Sit still, close your eyes and relax. Focus on your breath and let the world become simple and peaceful.



Oh, and for Christmas, I asked for a mini stepper and a pedometer :)

Day six: PS

side note:


coffee and grapefruit do NOT GO TOGETHER WELL.


trust me on this one. yech.

Day six

I have been waking up earlier before my alarm goes off and I feel good, wide awake and ready to start the day. That has definitely been a plus in stopping drinking, eating healthier, drinking more water, and exercising more. I feel better.

I've been coming to work armed with bottles of water, carrots and nuts for snacks. Though I keep the nuts in the car for emergencies, because they have a lot of calories/fat/salt. And I've cut down the splenda and the amount of (nonfat) creamer in my coffee. I've been drinking a lot more water, a bottle of water before lunch and a bottle after, and then as much as I can at home, and at least one big glass before I go to bed.

I've been to the gym 4 out of the 6 days this week, I haven't been today and thats where I'm running into the problem.

I have an extra long lunch break today. I could go do anything right now. I could spend a lot of time at the gym and feel great afterwards. I'm really cold right now, and the thought of getting warm is a nice thought (which is why I just got a coffee). But I can't bring myself to go today. It's not even like I do a super hardcore workout. I just have no desire to undress in front of everyone, pull on my gym clothes, walk up the stairs and get on the ellipitcal machine like a good girl. I'd much rather go to carls jr and get a chicken terriakyi burger. Because that sounds glorious after 5 days of eating nothing but yogurt, cereal, meal bars, carrots, cottage cheese and lots of coffee.

Those foods are fine, I like them and I generally eat pretty healthy. But I'm hungry and tired and cold and want to eat that burger and lie down. Which is bad!!! So I'm not going to do it. But I'm going to sit here and think about it, and when I start to convince myself that it wouldn't be that big of a deal, I'll google "Calories+chicken terriakyi burger+Carls Jr" and watch the number pop up with the amount of time it would take on the treadmill to get rid of it and it's just not worth it. I hate going to the gym already, why give myself a requirement to go later for longer to burn just that, when I could go to the gym later and burn extra calories?

I'm mad at myself for not being able to go to a WW meeting yet... I've been paying for 2 weeks and haven't even gone yet. Things come up at night that I cant avoid or miss, or I dont get off of work in time, so I keep missing them. I think though that I might be able to make the one tonight. Cross your fingers.

I wish I could just teleport to the gym. Half the battle is just getting up the oomph to get there. But if I teleported there right this second, I'd have no reason to not hop on the machine and go. Yesterday I brought my ipod (which I always do) and watched Grey's on it and the 20 minutes went by faster, even though 20 minutes isn't that long and i've watched those episodes so many times I know the lines by heart, haha. They have lots of TV's with shows like project runway and i love lucy, but the little things you plug your headphones in never work! they're all broken. Speaking of broken, I had to go on 3 different machines yesterday to find one that worked. What's up with that 24? You're falling behind!

I live with 2 boys and a girl, and there is a continuous stream of people that come in and out of our house. Which is good, because we tend to get a bunch of junk food laying around that none of us actually eat, it's just given to us. SO we kill two birds with one stone, 1. we dont have to throw away food because 2. we're offering it to our guests and they gladly take it off our hands. But I was intriugied by everyone on these blogs' obsession with the Biggest Loser and I made one of my housemates turn it on and sooner or later everyone who was at our house trickled in and started watching it. So here's 7 or so college/out of college kids watching this show and looking at the transformations of some of the people and it was amazing. I want my housemates to look at me next fall and say, "wow, that's amazing. you're so much healthier." I want my friends who live out of the state/country to see me next september and say, "wow. you look GREAT!"

So that, my friend, is my motivation for the day. I will go to the gym later and go to my WW meeting tonight if I get off of work early. So there :)

"Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful." - Albert Schweitzer

I dont love the gym. But I will learn to love the gym. I will learn to love and appreciate all that it offers and gives me. And I will learn to love to be healthy. I will learn to love me, regardless of my weight, and I will love myself so much I will be successful in losing this weight. Right? Right!

Day six: hungry, my back hurts, but I'm starting to love water!

Last night I left work and thought to myself, I could avoid traffic and go to the gym again! Because mentally, I hadn't gone earlier (even though I worked out more than I had the past few days) and thought I could go again. But when I got there, i psyched myself out because it looked all steamy on the second floor and there were lots of people there. So I turned around and went home. Lame. But I had gone during my lunch break, and that was really good.

I went to my grandmothers house to drop something off, and she wanted me to stay for dinner and I had to say no. I felt so bad, but she didn't really have anything to eat (I dont eat a ton of meat, as I used to be a vegetarian) and the only soup she had was cream of ____. No thank you. I felt bad, she just wanted company, but I needed to do what's best for me. I feel uuber guilty though.

When I did go home, I made yummy vegetable stir fry with sweet and sour sauce... 20 calories per tablespoon and I only used about two. And I made a turkey burger with one slice of toasted bread. I never realized how many calories were in bread! I looked at the nutrition facts, and even though it was the whole wheat bran oat stuff, it was still 120 per slice! Crazy! So instead of using 2 peices for the burger, I just used one and cut it in half as a smaller bun. Totally worth it. I was so proud of myself, but for some dumb reason convinced myself that I was still hungry, even though I totally wasnt. I ended up eating some cottage cheese and one brownie bite that looked SO good, but ended up tasting gross, so I spit it out. At least I tasted it and didn't ingest it.

I went to my friends house to watch Heroes and they had pizza... and stupid me, I gave in and had three peices (but keep in mind, this pizza is thin and is notorius for even skinny mini's to eat an entire one by herself... i know, i know, not an excuse). BOO! I was mad at myself but there wasn't anything I could do after the fact. So when I got home I drank two huge glasses of water and went to bed.

I woke up early today. It is SO different and wonderful to not wake up with a hangover every morning. I can actually wake up and while I still hit the snooze button 5 times, I don't feel like I got run over by a truck. I got to work, and was reading the newspaper online... there was a big car pileup on the freeway I take to work at the time i would normally be driving on at the time, but since I had come in to work an hour early i had totally missed it! Scary.

I've been good today so far. I had a 100 calorie light yogurt and close to the serving size of honey nut cheerios for breakfast, and at work I've had two water bottles, two cups of coffee with non-fat creamer and 5 splenda between the two of them. I'm trying to cut back. I had another yogurt for lunch, and my grandma gave me a bunch of nuts that i am keeping in my car so I had some of those. I had some chocolate soymilk (SO GOOD) but since I wasn't hungry, I put it back in the fridge for later if I did get hungry.

My stomach isn't used to drinking this much liquid, and it's making noises. I also have to pee every 5 minutes, which is a good thing.

I don't have time to go to the gym today, which is worrysome, but since I'm making dinner tonight for my friend, I invited him to kick around the soccer ball for awhile down the street afterwards so that will be a little bit of exercise at least.

I'm really frustrated I haven't been able to go to Weight Watchers yet. I've been paying for it, but I haven't actually gone. The meetings are at times that I always have something to do, or I'm sitting in traffic. Last week was shot, and this week my free time keeps getting smaller and s maller. And next week I wont even be in town. Blah.

I'm so impatient. I read other peoples blogs, and see the progress that they've made and I wish I could just fast forward to that point. But hopefully in a few months I'll be the one others look at and wish they were at. I just have to remember that it's not a race, it's about getting healthy and losing weight the right way.

Thank you for your encouragements!

Day five (take two): My mind wants what my body doesn't feel like doing.

Two posts in one day! Hmm... looks like I have too much free time on my hands. :)

"They say it takes 21 days to make something a habit. Make a list. Write down the things you want to change. Commit to do them every day for just 3 weeks, and just see how much easier it is to do them."

I was reading Escape from Obesity's blog http://escapefromobesity.blogspot.com/2007/10/little-habits-big-results.html and she said this. So as motivation, i am going to make a list of the things I want to change:

1. Go to bed at a decent hour.

2. No more alcohol.

3. Go to the gym everyday or do some sort of heavy physical activity every day.

4. Eat less sodium.

5. Drink a glass of water before I eat anything.

6. Stretch every day.

7. Take my thyroid medication... religiously.

Those are some pretty lofty goals. If this were any other blog, I'd shrug them off like it was no big deal but I'm trying to be more honest with myself.

Blast from the past: I have a thyroid disorder. Yes, it's the excuse of fat people everywhere. But I went from horrificly skinny in the 4th grade to heavy from then on out. I remember writing numbers in code (like a was 1, e was 5 and g was 7 or something like that) in my journal so nobody would know what I was reffering to if they ever found my journal.

Also, I used to HOARDE. I was allergic to sugar as a kid, and my parents were health nuts and afraid I'd be fat my whole life (oops...) so they never had sugar in the house. So to defy them, I'd take the school bus early to softball practice and stop at the gas station and stock up on pop tarts, hohos, angel food cake, thoese little pie things with the filling, you name it. And I'd hide it in my room, or I'd just eat it all in one sitting. I did that until my brother found food in my drawers and told on me. That was mortifying. My parents never trusted me with food again like that ever again. And now, I do the same with alcohol. Alcohol is taboo in my family, my brother and dad drink and my mom looks down on them but doesn't say anything, and has no clue that I drink. So as long as I've been drinking, I've hid it: in drawers, in closets, in hidden cabinets. I never really made that connection until right now. So today is the day I stop that. I'm going to stop drinking. I've gone a week without getting hammered, and want to continue it. It will be hard when i go back home to my hometown for Thanksgiving next week, because that's all my friends do, but I'll manage. It's worth it.

Healthy Honi made a comment in my last blog, saying it's good that I'm doing this now, because when I'm older I'll look back and thank myself. Well, I wish I had done this 10 years ago when I was 12 and really started gaining weight. I dont want to be 32 and be saying the same thing 10 years from now, wishing I was this age again when I had more energy, time, etc (thank you for the motivation Healthy Honi!!!). I want to get better now. It's just so hard, I'm inpatient... I'm used to procrastinating and waiting until the last minute and then doing a fantastic job by pulling an all nighter and getting a pat on the back for a project well done.

Weight loss doesn't work that way. Slow and steady wins this race, and I like turtles. If I lose all this weight and get down to my goal weight, I will get a tattoo of a turtle to symbolize how I changed my life. It just seems like so far away. The thought of going to the gym EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. or even just a few times a week just seems like so much effort, especially when I think of my senior year in high school when I was an anorexic obese person... I went from 230 to under 199 in like a month or two, went CRAZY exercising, and didn't eat. Anything. I looked and felt so much better about myself but it was NOT a fun ride.... I remember every day skipping breakfast, eating cottage cheese for lunch (a 1/4 cup), lots of water and coffee, going to the gym after school and working out like mad, eating a sandwitch, a stick of gum, and going to bed in pain.

So now, I'm going to do it the right way. But I have to remind myself that its not a race, and it's worth it. I sit at work for 8 hours a day. 30 minutes at the gym is nothing. And a lot of the time, I can work it into my work schedule, so technically I'm getting paid for it :)

Lastly (this is getting long), I think I have a problem with leaving food on my plate. The thing is I am so afraid of it being wasteful and my OCD makes me have to have it all gone. I lived in a few third world countries that taught me that food was scarce... if it was there, use it and be thankful, it is not to be wasted. When I lived in one country, it was so hard to FIND food that I lost a ton of weight. That was awesome, because it wasn't on purpose, but i was so hungry. So after starving myself and starving in other countries, i'm afriad of the food not being there, I think, which is SO DUMB. I live in america, have a job, and get free groceries from my roommates half the time. That is not a possibility. So I need to get over it. The other part stems from my self-pressure... like today. Even though I already went to the gym (at lunchtime) and did the elliptical trainer for 20 minutes and did heavier weights (both more than the last few days) I mentally tell myself that I haven't gone yet and I have to go again or I fail.

But I'm NOT failing, I'm taking steps in the right direction, and I have to remember that I'm the motivated turtle: Slow and steady wins the race. And the glory will be that much better.

Day five: one step at a time

Apples:

• I went to the gym every day this weekend, even though it takes me a while to get there and seems like a waste of gas. I was totally unmotivated to go, and was throwing a pity party, but when I just put on my running shoes and gym clothes, I rationalize with myself that I'm already dressed, I might as well go. And then of course, I hate it while I'm there but the second I'm done, it's never as bad as I imagined it and I feel so much better.
• I bought a bottle of vodka because a friend and i were going to make drinks, but she bailed and I had no desire to drink anyway. I had a drink saturday night, but it tasted so gross I didn't have any more. It gave me such a bad headache, further convincing me that stopping drinking is a terrific idea. This was the first weekend in at least a year I haven't gotten shitfaced! Haha.
• I didn't eat hardly any junk this weekend. I did have panda express for dinner last night, but i got the mixed veggies for one of the entrees' and it was really good. I think I'll get those from now on when I go there

Onions

• I overdid my carbs... potatoes and cheese are not the best things to eat. Yummy, but i felt gross afterwards.
• the first thing i did when I got to work today was drink 2 cups of coffee. I never used to drink coffee, but it's addicting. I need to stop.
• I'm sitting here knowing I can leave for the gym in 30 minutes and can NOT get myself psyched up for it. But I will go, because I have to.

It's really amazing how much encouragement and motivation I get from reading other people's blogs. To see real people writing about their struggles and accomplishments is so... refreshing. It's hard to take seriously the people on TV for weight loss ads, but when I see the vast amount of bloggers writing about their weight loss journey, I realize that it IS possible and I every time I get discouraged, or even just need a boost I browse others blogs and think to myself, if they can do it, I can do it. It's a nice feeling that I'm not alone and that there are others working towards a common goal.

I think I should add to my goals: I have a wedding in less than a year. Well, I have several weddings in the next year. But the one I'm most concerned about looking good for is next labor day weekend. So by then, I hope to be around the 200 mark. That would be amazing. There's a boy that will be there that I've been in love with forever, and it would be so great if I could look good in a dress. More for me, than him, but he's an added bonus. :)

I also think it would be a huge accomplishment to do a 5k or something. My dad used to be a runner, and i think he would be so proud if I could do one. I know it's not much, but if I did one right this second, I think i'd keel over. So that's another goal I could set. Which is funny, because my whole life I've hated running, especially against/with other people, but at this point in my life almost everyone I know is doing some sort of half marathon or 5k every weekend! Crazy. So I might as well join the masses. We'll see.

My job usually sucks, it's super boring and I get the feeling I'm just a tax writeoff, but hey. Pay me to sit here and play on the internet, fine with me. But since I'm the only one here a lot of the time, I can have a flexible lunch hour and what time I get off. So I think I'm going to use that to my advantage because the gym I joined is right around the corner. I wish I could get past the mental block that hates using the elliptical trainers. I wish I could just hang out on them for an hour, instead of just 16 minutes waiting to die. lol. I do them on a higher level and on random hills, so I guess if i did it on the regular, bare-minimum I could do it for longer, but I'd rather burn more calories and work harder in a shorter amount of time.

and now, the quote of the day:

"People become really quite remarkable when they start thinking that they can do things. When they believe in themselves they have the first secret of success." - Norman Vincent Peale

1:49pm EDIT: wow. i went to the gym on my lunch break and while it was crowded, i can't believe I didn't do this sooner!!! it's a great way to spend my lunch break! i usually sit in my car, eat lunch and watch grey's on my ipod, but watching I love lucy and using the elliptical machines was WAY better. Talk about a huge energy boost! :D

Day two: ch-ch-ch-changes

My housemates just got home with a gigantic, delicious cheesy pizza that smells SO AMAZING.

and I just had the power to say NO THANK YOU when they asked me if I wanted some.

I was so amped yesterday. I joined 24 hour fitness and I felt good, but joining does nothing unless I go. So my plan yesterday was to get up early today and go before work, but I found out I was having a half day at work today so I just decided to sleep and go in the afternoon.

I got to work and drank a GIANT coffee. I hate coffee and I don't ever drink it, but my work has this AMAZING coffee. It's probably NOT the best idea to find a new drink (with calories) when I'm trying to lose weight... so if I continue, I'm going to have to learn to like it without cream and splenda. Or just not drink it period. Anyway, point being, I was super jumpy all day, but by the time it got to be time to go to the gym I started to psyche myself out.

I went though! For the first time in over 6 months. I am waaaaaay out of shape. I had called 24 hour fitness yesterday after I joined and told them I didn't want to go through the hassle of listening to them try to sell me extra things I didn't want, or a bigger package I couldn't afford and that I could find my way around. Quite honestly, that's why I didn't join earlier. Last time I joined, they did the body fat percentage and stuff and basically it was a mortifying and uncomfortable experience so I decided to bypass all that crap and just start exercising.

Silly me, I joined the gym next to my work thinking it would be a perfect location because it was close to work etc, but I forgot that the city it's in is full of beautiful, wealthy, perfect people so when I walked in, I felt a bit out of place. But BEFORE I walked in, I must have had an uncertain look on my face because the woman walking out had a big smile on her face and said hello to me and said she hoped I'd have a good workout. That was nice, seeings how this was my first visit ever to this particular gym.

I weighed myself before I worked out... ready? This is the first time I've ever admitted my weight publicly.

288.

This is BY FAR the heaviest I've ever been. Before, the heaviest I'd ever been was 236. So if there was any time to start hardcore, now's the time. Ouch.

So I went upstairs and I did a level 8 on the elliptical trainer for the maximum amount of minutes it would let me do, which was only 16 on RANDOM.

It's amazing how 16 minutes is nothing when you're watching TV, sitting around, playing on the internet, eating or doing anything but exercising. That was the longest 16 minutes ever. But there were lots of cute boys to look at so it was okay. And good motivation :)

I used the calf raise too, because it was the only piece of equipment that looked somewhat user-friendly and was in a more isolated area. There were lots of beefy men, not too many women but I refuse to join Curves so I'll take what I can get.

Anyway, I figured it out, if I stick to some of my regular eating habits, I should start seeing some changes:

for breakfast I always have a 100 calorie container of low-fat yogurt. And for lunch I've just been having a protein bar. If I get REALLY hungry, I have one of those 100 calorie pack things in between. Dinner is variable, but I start weight watchers tomorrow so I should get a better idea of what I should be eating soon.

LASTLY... before this turns into a novel, a side note.

I am not an alcoholic. But I drink a lot. Like, in the past 6 months or so, I have not been able to go more than 2-3 days without getting drunk. Mostly, because I was depressed, but more because I was bored and had no motivation. I just graduated from college and work a boring boring job, and had nothing really to look forward to. Well, this past weekend I got a reality check when I woke up on the bathroom floor. So I haven't had a drink since then, and if you've ever been alcohol dependent, that's a big step in the right direction. I really do think it was out of boredom though, I wasn't really depressed, I just had nothing better to do. Same with getting stoned. I'd never done it before, and 3 months after I started drinking that heavily I got bored and had nothing better to do, so why not? Well I stopped that too.

I have that kind of personality, I can stop some things cold turkey. I became a vegetarian a long time ago cold turkey and didn't go back until I was forced to. That being said, I hope cutting way back on the alcohol will help me lose some pounds too.

So I realize I'm unhealthy, out of shape, overweight and have a lot of work ahead of me, but putting this all out there is like some of that weight is already gone off my shoulders. I'm doing this all by myself, nobody knows I joined WW or 24, and nobody knows that I'm trying to lose weight. Mostly because it's taboo in my life, I dont talk about it. It's the 288 elephant in the room. There's a lot of secrets in my life that I dont talk about, and this is just another one.

For those who commented on my last post, THANK YOU. My support is coming from a higher power and from those I find online trekking the same journey, so I appreciate the thoughts :)

So as my roommates eat that pizza that smells so good, I think about how sweaty and gross I felt when I was on the elliptical machine 2 hours ago and how much effort it took to burn that 230 calories and I'm okay with saying no and eating yummy vegetable soup instead. And this might be the first friday night in three years I didn't get drunk - okay not the FIRST, but definitely one of the few. And if it does happen, it wont be too much because I have my first WW meeting tomorrow! (Keep in mind, I've been in college for the last 4 years.... college=bad eating habits, drinking too much, and weird eating habits!)

And now, for the quote of the day:


"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow"

Day one: the first step!

today is the beginning of a new life. i have said this to myself a million trillion times and have failed miserably each and every time.

but today is different. it HAS to be different. i CAN do this and i WILL do this and i HAVE to do this.

i'm tired of being the fat girl that everyone likes, but is always the one awkwardly standing in the back. i'm tired of worrying about whether i will fit somewhere, and tired of ignoring the fact that when im with my girlfriends that i'm the odd man out. i'm tired of accepting that i am overweight and unhealthy, and i am going to do something about it.

this is the motivation station and i CAN do this.

so this is my anonymous blog and i am an anonymous person posting anonymous posts about how i'm going to do it.

i've sat here for 4 months getting angry at myself for letting myself slip into a junk food eating, sedentary, boring person when this was supposed to be my jump start into a new life. so screw that, i'm taking the reigns now.

i joined weight watchers and 24 hour fitness today. My first day at the gym will be tomorrow morning and my first meeting at weight watchers will be on Saturday. I'm afraid to see what my weight is, but i have a pretty good idea what it is and I can't say I'm thrilled to step on the scale.

on the plus side, it can only go down from here! this is probably the only place i could say something like that and not sound like a pessimist. :)