i need to feel good

I bit the bullet and actually went to weight watchers tonight. I had kind of vaguely planned on going sometime soon, and i've been paying for it for the last 3 months, but i couldn't find the time or motivation to go. But i got off of work early today and went. I rushed to get there and once i finally found a spot, i had to sit in my car and gather up the courage to go inside and actually go through with it. I joined WW when i was a high school sophomore, and i weighed about 212 pounds. Too bad that wasn't the case this time. But i was sitting in my car and this lady was walking towards me and she looked awful. She had gross hair and she was wearing bad clothes and she was fat. Mentally, I don't think I admit that I look THAT BAD.

So when I walked inside and realized that I was the youngest person in the room, and it was filled with old ladies who had bad hair and unfortunate clothing styles, I felt really dumb. I filled out the paperwork blurring my eyes so i could pretend that I wasn't at the fat meeting, and went back to get weighed.

This lady had been filling out the forms in front of me and I picked up on the fact that it was her first time as well. She was HUGE. like, giant flabby arms, really short, and really fat. i vowed never to look like her, ever. If i look like that when i'm 50, i would rather die.

so i follow her over to the back room where you get weighed, and she goes into the bathroom and takes off like, 5 layers of clothing before she steps on the scale. i let her go first, i wasn't in a big hurry to find out that i was heavy. i already knew that :)

I didn't see how much she weighed, but i heard that her number or 10 percent or whatever was 29. i had no idea what that meant so i didn't really think about it. She came out of the weighing room and i walked in, the lady was really nice but i still felt dumb. by default when im uncomfortable like this, i get very quiet and sometimes it comes off as rude, though i dont mean it to. She weighed me and either i lost 5 pounds since thursday (doubtful) or the scale was higher at my doctors office. Either way, i weighed 289.8. She said my 10 percent was 28. my jaw pretty much dropped to the floor. i weighed just about the same as the lady in front of me. i was SHOCKED. I dont know if it's that I carry it well, or what, but i dont feel like that lady looked like me. i mean, i was about 20 years younger and dressed better, but it was a slap in the face.

So i sat down in the furthest corner away from everyone, super uncomfortable and still in shock. the meeting started and i felt like i was at an AA meeting (not that i've been to one, but that's what i think of) or some sort of churchy thing. SO UNCOMFORTABLE. I pretty much just wanted to walk out the door, get in my car, and go home. But i stayed, and of course the meeting was about how the group is a big support system, and going to the meetings are important, blah blah blah. one of the perks listed on all the brochures is that "you don't have to talk." so i was not happy when the leader kept asking what i thought, or if i was following, and then had us all talk to each other. the lady next to me was not a good conversationalist, so i had to ask a bunch of questions i felt uncomfortable asking.

I hate talking about weight, food, and stuff like that. it's like the 289.8 pound elephant in the room, i don't address things like that. So being in a room where that's all we talked about, and having fat people talking about what food they liked make me want to yell, "well maybe if you ate less of that giant turkey and more of the non fat stuff, you wouldn't be that fat" and then, of course, i realize that i'm no different than any of the people in there, except for the fact that i have not accepted that i am like them.

So the meeting was totally not what i expected, and i realized there are more psychological issues that i need to address then some of the things i thought i would be learning. i'm sure everyone in that meeting was nice, and has something they could teach me. but i'm in the denial stage, and am still wierded out by the whole experience.

though i did come home and use my stair stepper for awhile while i looked through the thousands of pages of information they sent home with me. i had plans to go out drinking with a friend, but we opted to do dinner instead and when she called me she said, "well i know you're trying to eat healthier, so what about japanese or something?" so we ended up going to sushi and i had avocado rolls and miso soup. I came home and laid out all the info, and raided my kitchen with my points tracker and figured out the points for most of the things i eat everyday. i added up everything i ate today, which for the most part is what i eat everyday anyway, and i came up with 16 extra points. this is why i was worried that WW isn't for me, i generally eat pretty healthy. but i have an auto immune thyroid disorder and i dont exercise. so food is low on the list of things i really need to change. but it will help in lots of other ways, so that's good.

anyway. today was a weird, mixed-emotion day, but i think the best thing about WW is that it will keep me accountable each week. i like challenges, and i am looking forward to next weeks weigh-in because i will see what i have accomplished. I think keeping track of EVERYTHING, even just for a little while, will be very beneficial.

here's to hoping. :)