honesty

I'm really bad at being honest. Like, not with telling the truth about stuff, or not that I lie all the time, but I filter. I filter what i write and what comes out of my mouth as to not offend anyone or hurt anyone. But that's just silly. I live my life for me, not for other people. I can't cater to everyone anymore. I need to start being more selfish and be honest about things.

During the winter months, I tend to get a bit depressed and miserable. And lately, that's been no exception. I'm sad my friends are being lame, I feel isolated and insecure, and I look gross.

I'm really self-concious about my face and my stomach. I used to have a young energetic face and no double chin. The last year or so I noticed that my face is fat, old, and gross looking. My neck looks like a man neck and my skin has been gross. My eyes have changed too. A lot.

There were several pictures of me taken recently and I noticed my face looked gross. But in the last week, some of the puffiness has gone away. I haven't changed anything, in fact, I'm still eating the same and not exercising because i'm lame and just... havent. :) But last night looking in the mirror, for the first time in a long time i thought I was pretty. Not just the fat-pretty, but the, "dang, i'm hot" pretty. Not so much with the rest of my body, but my face and hair looked nice.

I read some old journals today, from the beginning of college. i am exactly 70 pounds heavier than I was as a college freshman (4 years ago), and really as a high school senior (4 1/2 or 5 years ago). I dropped quite a bit my senior year because i developed an eating disorder (contrary to popular belief, fat people can have an eating disorder too). Since then I've been careful about my eating habits and thoughts, and haven't seriously relapsed.

But reading my journal is kind of sad. Almost all of the entries start out with how much i ate that day, how much i exercised, and if i puked or not (my roommate at the time was bullemic, so it was easy to hide... i didn't do it that often, just every once in awhile). But here are some of the lines in some entries:

"I made it until 3:30 today without eating. I had cottage cheese and pears. Then made it through dinner. Came back, talked to ___, and binged. I ate a lot of candy. I tried to throw up but i couldn't. i think God isn't letting me and now i feel like crap."

"I don't want to be fat anymore. The days seem much longer when you're counting the minutes until it's tomorrow so you can do the same thing all over again. I used to have so much will power."

It's true. I did used to have a lot of will power. And energy. I could get three hours of sleep, go to all my classes, do all my homework, go to the gym for an hour, hang out with friends, write a paper, go to 3 club meetings, have time to listen to my roommates complain, and be very strict with my diet.


I'm starting to realize there are a lot of fundamental things wrong in the way I think.

It's good, going back through old journals. But I don't want my entire life to be a battle with my weight. I just want it to be a difficult time in my life that i overcame and look back and laugh about later.

I suck, i know. what can i say? it's the low season.

not for weight, that is. but i have to crash diet for the next month, i am going on a vacation and am terrified of not fitting in the airplane seat.

my birthday was recently and we ended up with like, 5 cakes, all of which i helped eat eventually. yuck. but im got paid yesterday and am going to the store this weekend to get back on track and eat the right things.

and get out and exercise more! i need to do that. im super bad at it too.