and again, and again, and again and again and again

It's like that chick who did the e-harmony i like cats video and the song that followed shortly thereafter.

My sister has really gotten on the dieting/exercising bandwagon and it's annoying to see her progress and loss when I have stayed the same/gained. So, here I am... again.

I went to a 5k today... the last time I went was when my husband and I were newly dating and I was his cheerleader. Today he did it again and I again, was the cheerleader. Just 50 pounds heavier. The ironic thing is that he is currently 50 pounds heavier as well.

I went to the doctor the other day and got the results. My liver, cholestoral, and blood pressure are terrible for someone my age. That's pretty fing pathetic if you ask me.

I really need to take a good hard look at how I'm living my life and how it will affect me in the future. I am setting a three month goal of losing 15 pounds, which doesn't sound like much at all, but when I've failed for so long I need to try something doable. Especially during the holidays.

We went and bought a exercise bike today off of craigslist. We've been watching a lot of tv lately because my job is super stressful and tiring so when we get home that's pretty much all we do. This way I can at least log some time on the bike and relax at the same time.

I also need to cut out drinking and stop eating out. THose two are my biggest vices. So for the next three months I'm making the promise to myself and to this blog that I'll follow through with some sort of plan and work hard at it in order for it to become habit. I have a lot at stake, it's really important that I just get my act together.

Goal for this week:

-Ride the bike for at least 10 minutes every day
-Go on 2-3 walks with the hub
-Take the stairs instead of the elevator at least 5 times/day
-Drink more water and less booze
-Go to bed earlier
-Wake up earlier
-Use my shake-weight
-Blog more

It's not so much the eating part, it's the drinking and the lack of exercise. I get bored at night so by finding some sort of activity to do that helps me relax would be good.

I feel like I've probably burned any readers I ever had with this blog and it's totally my bad. I keep saying I'll stick with it, and then I don't. My sister's birthday is tomorrow, and mine is in 4 months, so as a present to her I'll work on getting my shit together and taking better care of myself.

I'm back... again

I come back to this blog in tears, because I read the entire thing from beginning to end. Back in 2007 I was so excited to lose weight and to blog about it. I was in such a different place back then, and it brings me to tears to see where I am today. I am disappointed. In myself, my lack of will power, and how I have let myself "go". I never thought I would be that person.

I had a dream last night that my brother called me and told me it was time for an intervention. I woke up thinking it had really happened and I was not only hurt and embarrassed, I was mortified and terrified. What has my life become?

I went to the doctor back around Christmas time, or I guess it was after New Years. I knew I had gained weight, I felt it, but I didn't think it was that much.

317. I weighed 317 pounds.

Just seeing that number makes me think of that show that's airing around now (i haven't watched it) where the chick says something like, "i never thought i would be bigger than the biggest girl on the Biggest Loser".

That's how I feel about now.

Since then, i lost weight and got down to about 305 or so, but I just weighed myself today after a three week binge and I am 315.

This is so disappointing, especially when I think back at the past few years. I stopped working at that boring office job, I got a boyfriend, I went to and graduated from graduate school, I got married, and here I am at the beginning of a new job hunt. Who wants to hire a 315 pound person?

I put myself in therapy a few months back, But I've not been able to talk about my drinking or any of my other bad habits, or especially anything about food and dieting. My brothers girlfriend took the liberty to give me a diet plan. I think i was subconsciously saying, "fuck you" by doing the opposite of it, which resulted in more weight gain.

I never did have a solid group of blog followers, and I blame myself because i was so inconsistent. I feel now though, I need to be serious about my health. I'm scared to though, because it's ANOTHER start to a long journey. I don't know what it is that scares me about putting on some running shoes and going out for a walk or a bike ride. It's so much easier to stay at home in my PJ's doing nothing. But that's not a life.

I want a baby. I want to have children. Not immediately, not even in the next year or two (or three?) but eventually. And as I was cleaning out my closet today, I found the belt, the one belt that I own, that I used to wear on a daily basis. I think it's a size 3 or 4 from Torrid. I was embarrassed by that belt when I took it off because it was so long. But it was a body marker... if it was on the 4th hole, it was a skinny day and I felt good.

I can't even put the belt around my waist right now. It doesn't fit.

I can't believe I am writing this right now.

I have been wearing the same clothes now for a month (yes I do laundry). I don't have anything that fits. And I dont have a job, so I can't buy new clothes.

I guess that leads me to one conclusion: it's time to try again.