Boo. I haven't been very good about keeping this blog up.
I think I'm going to give up on WW. I don't think it's for me. I end up just feeling bad. But I have picked up a few good tips.
I feel like there's never a "good time" to go on a diet, start to lose weight blah blah blah. After the christmas season comes birthday and valentines day season, then easter season, then summer season (which is always good... lots of fresh juices and out in the sun a lot!), then getting ready for school (or fall), and then christmas comes around again. there's just so much to do and so many opportunities to not do well.
Anyway. I need a haircut.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
these wheels keep on turnin'
Last tuesday I went to my first WW meeting, and was mildly motivated to stick to it. I'm proud to say that I worked really hard and I ate pretty well all week. Most days I got down to eating most of the points, but my problem is I always have some left over. I have a very strict (normal) eating pattern up until I leave work and get home by 6pm, and don't let myself stray. It's when I get home and have to figure out dinner that I falter. Between roommates eating various different foods, roommates drinking wine and me wanting some, and just being lazy and hating to cook, I end up eating something simple like a burrido or canned soup. Which isn't bad, but it's all processed/pasteurized etc. I dont like cooking meat, because I don't know how and I hate touching raw meat.
But for the most part, I ate really well. My biggest issues is when I drink, I binge eat. Like, crazy binge eat. So im still trying to drink less, which I have been doing better on as well.
So when I went to my second WW meeting last night, I felt pretty good. I didn't really know what to do when I got there, so I just walked to the back with my card thing and explained that I didn't know where to go. She said it was okay and so I gave her my weigh in card and hopped on the scale. I made a point to wear similar clothing as last time, as to not add the weight of jeans etc, and the leader said, "well, you went up a little this week."
I nearly burst into tears. It was a +.4 or +.5 of a pound, and the way she said it made me feel like she was looking at me like a failure. I can't believe I GAINED in the last week. I ate so much better... when we ate out, I planned ahead, I made sure I didn't go over in points, I ate tons more fruits, and I tried drinking more water. I didn't eat one bite of fast food. I was so dissapointed, and when she asked if I was staying for the meeting I said yes, though the second I walked out I almost sprinted for the door. I was mortified and felt disgusting. Especially since the people in this meeting were SO different than the last meeting. I went to the one I'll regularly be going to (the later one, i went to the earlier one last week because I got off of work early) and everyone in the group was SKINNY. Like, why were they there? There were like, 5 fat people vs, well, everyone in the last weeks' class. I found the meeting kind of useless, other than I felt gross and hated when the leader called me out and gave me my 2 week bookmark.
So when I left, I felt like crap. And I screamed at myself. And said fuck it, this isn't going to work. But then I thought about what I did wrong. I binge when I drink. I still drink too much. I don't exercise. I don't drink enough water. I need more veggies. So when I started thinking about dinner (I was so hungry) I decided I didn't want to cook, and I'd pick up sushi on the way home. But when I got closer, I thought, "hey, I could go home, order it, and walk there, by the time it would be done, I'd be there if I left right now." so I went home, put on my new running shoes, called in the order, and started walking. It was SO cold, but the shoes made a difference. My old ones were, well, old. I brought my ipod with me, but decided to call a friend instead, and it made the time go by so fast. All of a sudden I was at the sushi place, then I was on my way home. 3,299 steps/1.3 miles/35 minutes later, I was back home with my sushi, I had caught up with two friends and had gotten some easy exercise in. (mind you, some of that 35 minutes was paying at the sushi place and waiting) So i felt better. I got two orders, and only had one. :)
This week, I'm going to drink more water, drink less alcohol, eat less at night when I'm home, make an effort to do more exercise at night. Oh, and DO something this weekend. I end up laying in bed all weekend, either because im lazy or hung over. or both. I actually have to do something on saturday, so it's an incentive to not drink on friday and get up early on saturday. :)
Before I forget, this is my daily food intake:
Breakfast: 7:45am
Either one bowl of instant oatmeal (honey nut.... 170 cals/3.5 fat/3 fiber) or a bowl of honey nut cheerios with 1% milk)
Lunch: 12:30pm
1 trader joes string cheese (60 cals/1.5 fat)
4 peices of butterball honey turkey (70 cals per 4 peices, 1 gram fat, 0 fiber)
1 apple
Baked chips (doritos lately)
sometimes chocolate soy milk
sometimes a tangerine
Snack: 5:30pm
carrots
Dinner: 6:30 or 7pm
Burrido (small flour tortilla, 1/2 cup refried beans, 1/4 or 1/2 cup shredded cheese... about 6 points total)
OR Chunky vegetable soup (so good... like 170 cals/1g fat)
OR veggie stir fry with or without tofu
So I really dont see how I could gain weight eating that. It's so frustrating.
And that's my normal diet. I dont really get hungry on it, and i feel like it's pretty healthy. But I do need more fruits/veggies/water.
Sigh. Round two, i suppose
But for the most part, I ate really well. My biggest issues is when I drink, I binge eat. Like, crazy binge eat. So im still trying to drink less, which I have been doing better on as well.
So when I went to my second WW meeting last night, I felt pretty good. I didn't really know what to do when I got there, so I just walked to the back with my card thing and explained that I didn't know where to go. She said it was okay and so I gave her my weigh in card and hopped on the scale. I made a point to wear similar clothing as last time, as to not add the weight of jeans etc, and the leader said, "well, you went up a little this week."
I nearly burst into tears. It was a +.4 or +.5 of a pound, and the way she said it made me feel like she was looking at me like a failure. I can't believe I GAINED in the last week. I ate so much better... when we ate out, I planned ahead, I made sure I didn't go over in points, I ate tons more fruits, and I tried drinking more water. I didn't eat one bite of fast food. I was so dissapointed, and when she asked if I was staying for the meeting I said yes, though the second I walked out I almost sprinted for the door. I was mortified and felt disgusting. Especially since the people in this meeting were SO different than the last meeting. I went to the one I'll regularly be going to (the later one, i went to the earlier one last week because I got off of work early) and everyone in the group was SKINNY. Like, why were they there? There were like, 5 fat people vs, well, everyone in the last weeks' class. I found the meeting kind of useless, other than I felt gross and hated when the leader called me out and gave me my 2 week bookmark.
So when I left, I felt like crap. And I screamed at myself. And said fuck it, this isn't going to work. But then I thought about what I did wrong. I binge when I drink. I still drink too much. I don't exercise. I don't drink enough water. I need more veggies. So when I started thinking about dinner (I was so hungry) I decided I didn't want to cook, and I'd pick up sushi on the way home. But when I got closer, I thought, "hey, I could go home, order it, and walk there, by the time it would be done, I'd be there if I left right now." so I went home, put on my new running shoes, called in the order, and started walking. It was SO cold, but the shoes made a difference. My old ones were, well, old. I brought my ipod with me, but decided to call a friend instead, and it made the time go by so fast. All of a sudden I was at the sushi place, then I was on my way home. 3,299 steps/1.3 miles/35 minutes later, I was back home with my sushi, I had caught up with two friends and had gotten some easy exercise in. (mind you, some of that 35 minutes was paying at the sushi place and waiting) So i felt better. I got two orders, and only had one. :)
This week, I'm going to drink more water, drink less alcohol, eat less at night when I'm home, make an effort to do more exercise at night. Oh, and DO something this weekend. I end up laying in bed all weekend, either because im lazy or hung over. or both. I actually have to do something on saturday, so it's an incentive to not drink on friday and get up early on saturday. :)
Before I forget, this is my daily food intake:
Breakfast: 7:45am
Either one bowl of instant oatmeal (honey nut.... 170 cals/3.5 fat/3 fiber) or a bowl of honey nut cheerios with 1% milk)
Lunch: 12:30pm
1 trader joes string cheese (60 cals/1.5 fat)
4 peices of butterball honey turkey (70 cals per 4 peices, 1 gram fat, 0 fiber)
1 apple
Baked chips (doritos lately)
sometimes chocolate soy milk
sometimes a tangerine
Snack: 5:30pm
carrots
Dinner: 6:30 or 7pm
Burrido (small flour tortilla, 1/2 cup refried beans, 1/4 or 1/2 cup shredded cheese... about 6 points total)
OR Chunky vegetable soup (so good... like 170 cals/1g fat)
OR veggie stir fry with or without tofu
So I really dont see how I could gain weight eating that. It's so frustrating.
And that's my normal diet. I dont really get hungry on it, and i feel like it's pretty healthy. But I do need more fruits/veggies/water.
Sigh. Round two, i suppose
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
i need to feel good
I bit the bullet and actually went to weight watchers tonight. I had kind of vaguely planned on going sometime soon, and i've been paying for it for the last 3 months, but i couldn't find the time or motivation to go. But i got off of work early today and went. I rushed to get there and once i finally found a spot, i had to sit in my car and gather up the courage to go inside and actually go through with it. I joined WW when i was a high school sophomore, and i weighed about 212 pounds. Too bad that wasn't the case this time. But i was sitting in my car and this lady was walking towards me and she looked awful. She had gross hair and she was wearing bad clothes and she was fat. Mentally, I don't think I admit that I look THAT BAD.
So when I walked inside and realized that I was the youngest person in the room, and it was filled with old ladies who had bad hair and unfortunate clothing styles, I felt really dumb. I filled out the paperwork blurring my eyes so i could pretend that I wasn't at the fat meeting, and went back to get weighed.
This lady had been filling out the forms in front of me and I picked up on the fact that it was her first time as well. She was HUGE. like, giant flabby arms, really short, and really fat. i vowed never to look like her, ever. If i look like that when i'm 50, i would rather die.
so i follow her over to the back room where you get weighed, and she goes into the bathroom and takes off like, 5 layers of clothing before she steps on the scale. i let her go first, i wasn't in a big hurry to find out that i was heavy. i already knew that :)
I didn't see how much she weighed, but i heard that her number or 10 percent or whatever was 29. i had no idea what that meant so i didn't really think about it. She came out of the weighing room and i walked in, the lady was really nice but i still felt dumb. by default when im uncomfortable like this, i get very quiet and sometimes it comes off as rude, though i dont mean it to. She weighed me and either i lost 5 pounds since thursday (doubtful) or the scale was higher at my doctors office. Either way, i weighed 289.8. She said my 10 percent was 28. my jaw pretty much dropped to the floor. i weighed just about the same as the lady in front of me. i was SHOCKED. I dont know if it's that I carry it well, or what, but i dont feel like that lady looked like me. i mean, i was about 20 years younger and dressed better, but it was a slap in the face.
So i sat down in the furthest corner away from everyone, super uncomfortable and still in shock. the meeting started and i felt like i was at an AA meeting (not that i've been to one, but that's what i think of) or some sort of churchy thing. SO UNCOMFORTABLE. I pretty much just wanted to walk out the door, get in my car, and go home. But i stayed, and of course the meeting was about how the group is a big support system, and going to the meetings are important, blah blah blah. one of the perks listed on all the brochures is that "you don't have to talk." so i was not happy when the leader kept asking what i thought, or if i was following, and then had us all talk to each other. the lady next to me was not a good conversationalist, so i had to ask a bunch of questions i felt uncomfortable asking.
I hate talking about weight, food, and stuff like that. it's like the 289.8 pound elephant in the room, i don't address things like that. So being in a room where that's all we talked about, and having fat people talking about what food they liked make me want to yell, "well maybe if you ate less of that giant turkey and more of the non fat stuff, you wouldn't be that fat" and then, of course, i realize that i'm no different than any of the people in there, except for the fact that i have not accepted that i am like them.
So the meeting was totally not what i expected, and i realized there are more psychological issues that i need to address then some of the things i thought i would be learning. i'm sure everyone in that meeting was nice, and has something they could teach me. but i'm in the denial stage, and am still wierded out by the whole experience.
though i did come home and use my stair stepper for awhile while i looked through the thousands of pages of information they sent home with me. i had plans to go out drinking with a friend, but we opted to do dinner instead and when she called me she said, "well i know you're trying to eat healthier, so what about japanese or something?" so we ended up going to sushi and i had avocado rolls and miso soup. I came home and laid out all the info, and raided my kitchen with my points tracker and figured out the points for most of the things i eat everyday. i added up everything i ate today, which for the most part is what i eat everyday anyway, and i came up with 16 extra points. this is why i was worried that WW isn't for me, i generally eat pretty healthy. but i have an auto immune thyroid disorder and i dont exercise. so food is low on the list of things i really need to change. but it will help in lots of other ways, so that's good.
anyway. today was a weird, mixed-emotion day, but i think the best thing about WW is that it will keep me accountable each week. i like challenges, and i am looking forward to next weeks weigh-in because i will see what i have accomplished. I think keeping track of EVERYTHING, even just for a little while, will be very beneficial.
here's to hoping. :)
So when I walked inside and realized that I was the youngest person in the room, and it was filled with old ladies who had bad hair and unfortunate clothing styles, I felt really dumb. I filled out the paperwork blurring my eyes so i could pretend that I wasn't at the fat meeting, and went back to get weighed.
This lady had been filling out the forms in front of me and I picked up on the fact that it was her first time as well. She was HUGE. like, giant flabby arms, really short, and really fat. i vowed never to look like her, ever. If i look like that when i'm 50, i would rather die.
so i follow her over to the back room where you get weighed, and she goes into the bathroom and takes off like, 5 layers of clothing before she steps on the scale. i let her go first, i wasn't in a big hurry to find out that i was heavy. i already knew that :)
I didn't see how much she weighed, but i heard that her number or 10 percent or whatever was 29. i had no idea what that meant so i didn't really think about it. She came out of the weighing room and i walked in, the lady was really nice but i still felt dumb. by default when im uncomfortable like this, i get very quiet and sometimes it comes off as rude, though i dont mean it to. She weighed me and either i lost 5 pounds since thursday (doubtful) or the scale was higher at my doctors office. Either way, i weighed 289.8. She said my 10 percent was 28. my jaw pretty much dropped to the floor. i weighed just about the same as the lady in front of me. i was SHOCKED. I dont know if it's that I carry it well, or what, but i dont feel like that lady looked like me. i mean, i was about 20 years younger and dressed better, but it was a slap in the face.
So i sat down in the furthest corner away from everyone, super uncomfortable and still in shock. the meeting started and i felt like i was at an AA meeting (not that i've been to one, but that's what i think of) or some sort of churchy thing. SO UNCOMFORTABLE. I pretty much just wanted to walk out the door, get in my car, and go home. But i stayed, and of course the meeting was about how the group is a big support system, and going to the meetings are important, blah blah blah. one of the perks listed on all the brochures is that "you don't have to talk." so i was not happy when the leader kept asking what i thought, or if i was following, and then had us all talk to each other. the lady next to me was not a good conversationalist, so i had to ask a bunch of questions i felt uncomfortable asking.
I hate talking about weight, food, and stuff like that. it's like the 289.8 pound elephant in the room, i don't address things like that. So being in a room where that's all we talked about, and having fat people talking about what food they liked make me want to yell, "well maybe if you ate less of that giant turkey and more of the non fat stuff, you wouldn't be that fat" and then, of course, i realize that i'm no different than any of the people in there, except for the fact that i have not accepted that i am like them.
So the meeting was totally not what i expected, and i realized there are more psychological issues that i need to address then some of the things i thought i would be learning. i'm sure everyone in that meeting was nice, and has something they could teach me. but i'm in the denial stage, and am still wierded out by the whole experience.
though i did come home and use my stair stepper for awhile while i looked through the thousands of pages of information they sent home with me. i had plans to go out drinking with a friend, but we opted to do dinner instead and when she called me she said, "well i know you're trying to eat healthier, so what about japanese or something?" so we ended up going to sushi and i had avocado rolls and miso soup. I came home and laid out all the info, and raided my kitchen with my points tracker and figured out the points for most of the things i eat everyday. i added up everything i ate today, which for the most part is what i eat everyday anyway, and i came up with 16 extra points. this is why i was worried that WW isn't for me, i generally eat pretty healthy. but i have an auto immune thyroid disorder and i dont exercise. so food is low on the list of things i really need to change. but it will help in lots of other ways, so that's good.
anyway. today was a weird, mixed-emotion day, but i think the best thing about WW is that it will keep me accountable each week. i like challenges, and i am looking forward to next weeks weigh-in because i will see what i have accomplished. I think keeping track of EVERYTHING, even just for a little while, will be very beneficial.
here's to hoping. :)
Monday, January 7, 2008
It's been awhile
yech, I kind of suck at updating this blog. Mostly because I suck at losing weight. I haven't lost any, I gained almost 10 pounds over christmas. I went to the doctor and was shocked to see that I'm 4 pounds away from 300. That's INSANE, especailly when a year and a half ago I was about 210. Sick.
But i DID get a mini stair-stepper and a pedometer for Christmas. And I think I might go and get myself a yoga mat after work today.
I feel like 2007 was a big gross weight that was holding me down, and I've been given a chance to start over with a clean slate and take my time and do it right this time around.
:)
But i DID get a mini stair-stepper and a pedometer for Christmas. And I think I might go and get myself a yoga mat after work today.
I feel like 2007 was a big gross weight that was holding me down, and I've been given a chance to start over with a clean slate and take my time and do it right this time around.
:)
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