Day five (take two): My mind wants what my body doesn't feel like doing.

Two posts in one day! Hmm... looks like I have too much free time on my hands. :)

"They say it takes 21 days to make something a habit. Make a list. Write down the things you want to change. Commit to do them every day for just 3 weeks, and just see how much easier it is to do them."

I was reading Escape from Obesity's blog http://escapefromobesity.blogspot.com/2007/10/little-habits-big-results.html and she said this. So as motivation, i am going to make a list of the things I want to change:

1. Go to bed at a decent hour.

2. No more alcohol.

3. Go to the gym everyday or do some sort of heavy physical activity every day.

4. Eat less sodium.

5. Drink a glass of water before I eat anything.

6. Stretch every day.

7. Take my thyroid medication... religiously.

Those are some pretty lofty goals. If this were any other blog, I'd shrug them off like it was no big deal but I'm trying to be more honest with myself.

Blast from the past: I have a thyroid disorder. Yes, it's the excuse of fat people everywhere. But I went from horrificly skinny in the 4th grade to heavy from then on out. I remember writing numbers in code (like a was 1, e was 5 and g was 7 or something like that) in my journal so nobody would know what I was reffering to if they ever found my journal.

Also, I used to HOARDE. I was allergic to sugar as a kid, and my parents were health nuts and afraid I'd be fat my whole life (oops...) so they never had sugar in the house. So to defy them, I'd take the school bus early to softball practice and stop at the gas station and stock up on pop tarts, hohos, angel food cake, thoese little pie things with the filling, you name it. And I'd hide it in my room, or I'd just eat it all in one sitting. I did that until my brother found food in my drawers and told on me. That was mortifying. My parents never trusted me with food again like that ever again. And now, I do the same with alcohol. Alcohol is taboo in my family, my brother and dad drink and my mom looks down on them but doesn't say anything, and has no clue that I drink. So as long as I've been drinking, I've hid it: in drawers, in closets, in hidden cabinets. I never really made that connection until right now. So today is the day I stop that. I'm going to stop drinking. I've gone a week without getting hammered, and want to continue it. It will be hard when i go back home to my hometown for Thanksgiving next week, because that's all my friends do, but I'll manage. It's worth it.

Healthy Honi made a comment in my last blog, saying it's good that I'm doing this now, because when I'm older I'll look back and thank myself. Well, I wish I had done this 10 years ago when I was 12 and really started gaining weight. I dont want to be 32 and be saying the same thing 10 years from now, wishing I was this age again when I had more energy, time, etc (thank you for the motivation Healthy Honi!!!). I want to get better now. It's just so hard, I'm inpatient... I'm used to procrastinating and waiting until the last minute and then doing a fantastic job by pulling an all nighter and getting a pat on the back for a project well done.

Weight loss doesn't work that way. Slow and steady wins this race, and I like turtles. If I lose all this weight and get down to my goal weight, I will get a tattoo of a turtle to symbolize how I changed my life. It just seems like so far away. The thought of going to the gym EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. or even just a few times a week just seems like so much effort, especially when I think of my senior year in high school when I was an anorexic obese person... I went from 230 to under 199 in like a month or two, went CRAZY exercising, and didn't eat. Anything. I looked and felt so much better about myself but it was NOT a fun ride.... I remember every day skipping breakfast, eating cottage cheese for lunch (a 1/4 cup), lots of water and coffee, going to the gym after school and working out like mad, eating a sandwitch, a stick of gum, and going to bed in pain.

So now, I'm going to do it the right way. But I have to remind myself that its not a race, and it's worth it. I sit at work for 8 hours a day. 30 minutes at the gym is nothing. And a lot of the time, I can work it into my work schedule, so technically I'm getting paid for it :)

Lastly (this is getting long), I think I have a problem with leaving food on my plate. The thing is I am so afraid of it being wasteful and my OCD makes me have to have it all gone. I lived in a few third world countries that taught me that food was scarce... if it was there, use it and be thankful, it is not to be wasted. When I lived in one country, it was so hard to FIND food that I lost a ton of weight. That was awesome, because it wasn't on purpose, but i was so hungry. So after starving myself and starving in other countries, i'm afriad of the food not being there, I think, which is SO DUMB. I live in america, have a job, and get free groceries from my roommates half the time. That is not a possibility. So I need to get over it. The other part stems from my self-pressure... like today. Even though I already went to the gym (at lunchtime) and did the elliptical trainer for 20 minutes and did heavier weights (both more than the last few days) I mentally tell myself that I haven't gone yet and I have to go again or I fail.

But I'm NOT failing, I'm taking steps in the right direction, and I have to remember that I'm the motivated turtle: Slow and steady wins the race. And the glory will be that much better.