I'm back... again

I come back to this blog in tears, because I read the entire thing from beginning to end. Back in 2007 I was so excited to lose weight and to blog about it. I was in such a different place back then, and it brings me to tears to see where I am today. I am disappointed. In myself, my lack of will power, and how I have let myself "go". I never thought I would be that person.

I had a dream last night that my brother called me and told me it was time for an intervention. I woke up thinking it had really happened and I was not only hurt and embarrassed, I was mortified and terrified. What has my life become?

I went to the doctor back around Christmas time, or I guess it was after New Years. I knew I had gained weight, I felt it, but I didn't think it was that much.

317. I weighed 317 pounds.

Just seeing that number makes me think of that show that's airing around now (i haven't watched it) where the chick says something like, "i never thought i would be bigger than the biggest girl on the Biggest Loser".

That's how I feel about now.

Since then, i lost weight and got down to about 305 or so, but I just weighed myself today after a three week binge and I am 315.

This is so disappointing, especially when I think back at the past few years. I stopped working at that boring office job, I got a boyfriend, I went to and graduated from graduate school, I got married, and here I am at the beginning of a new job hunt. Who wants to hire a 315 pound person?

I put myself in therapy a few months back, But I've not been able to talk about my drinking or any of my other bad habits, or especially anything about food and dieting. My brothers girlfriend took the liberty to give me a diet plan. I think i was subconsciously saying, "fuck you" by doing the opposite of it, which resulted in more weight gain.

I never did have a solid group of blog followers, and I blame myself because i was so inconsistent. I feel now though, I need to be serious about my health. I'm scared to though, because it's ANOTHER start to a long journey. I don't know what it is that scares me about putting on some running shoes and going out for a walk or a bike ride. It's so much easier to stay at home in my PJ's doing nothing. But that's not a life.

I want a baby. I want to have children. Not immediately, not even in the next year or two (or three?) but eventually. And as I was cleaning out my closet today, I found the belt, the one belt that I own, that I used to wear on a daily basis. I think it's a size 3 or 4 from Torrid. I was embarrassed by that belt when I took it off because it was so long. But it was a body marker... if it was on the 4th hole, it was a skinny day and I felt good.

I can't even put the belt around my waist right now. It doesn't fit.

I can't believe I am writing this right now.

I have been wearing the same clothes now for a month (yes I do laundry). I don't have anything that fits. And I dont have a job, so I can't buy new clothes.

I guess that leads me to one conclusion: it's time to try again.